Claudette's Blog

Holidays are a time for families to get together and remember the fun times they had. They laugh and share memories of past events. But for stepfamilies, especially new ones, this isn’t always the case.

Often,those past memories are shared with other people that are not a part of the new family. Sometimes,resentment, fear, anger, and loneliness is what comes up for stepfamilies. Stepparents (both stepmoms and stepdads) are looking at this time of year as probably one of their worst ever. But it doesn’t have to be and I’ll share with you a few tips that I shared with a stepmom recently.

When planning on where to have it, if possible, celebrate in a home that the children are comfortable going to as well as yourself. What I mean here is that you might want to have it at your house and invite a few people that the stepkids and yourself enjoy their company. It could be family or friends. Set up the environment to be as familiar as possible. It’s not a good time to bring the stepkids to an aunt of yours that you’ve seen only once or twice, or that your stepkids have never seen before. Same thing if you are celebrating at home. Invite people that your stepkids are comfortable with and would have a good time.

Don’t over do it. Don’t try to outdo yourself by having everything available at that time. Ask for help from the (step)kids by having them peel the potatoes a day ahead and keep them in cold water in the fridge, or set the table (if it’s in the dining room) a day before. Ask what would be their most favorite thing to eat for Thanksgiving and see if you can incorporate that into the meal, but don’t do every single item that is requested. You can make it festive without breaking the bank or putting too much time into it. Have the (step)kids do some art work (if they are little) to decorate, or have the older ones decorate paper napkins with stencils. This could be a fun project for all.

If you are going to someone else’s home that you are not familiar with but that everyone else is, talk with your partner before and let him/her know how you feel. Let them know that you are afraid of feeling like an outsider and ignored. Create a little signal between the two of you so that when you feel out of it, you can let each other know and find some comfort. Look around the room and find one other person that you might feel really comfortable with and talk with them. You don’t have to be with everyone at the same time. Offer to help with the preparations. It will keep your mind off feeling uncomfortable and you’ll get to know your hostess more. Women connect by doing things together.

Remember that you need time for yourself. What can you do the day before or the morning of the event that will help you feel at your best. Is it a long bubble bath, or a nice long run on the beach? What about having that ½ hour or an hour of alone time to read parts of your favorite book. How about a nice cup of coffee while sitting in your favorite chair? Let your partner/spouse know that in order for this holiday to go well, you need to take care of yourself and that you need his/her support. Everyone will benefit.

As you celebrate this Thanksgiving, remember why you are all together and be grateful for the moments that have brought you joy. My family is blessed and grateful for all those years that we’ve spent together, not all of them great, but grateful none the less. It’s through those difficult moments that we learned who we are and were able to create what we wanted as a family. My family and I want to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving.

Claudette and family