Claudette's Blog

My son called me last week to announce to us that he finally asked his girlfriend of 20 months to marry him. She said yes. We were very happy because we know that he loves her very much. They have their issues and like all couples, they will learn to manage them.

One area that I hope to help them with, or at least be supportive of is Sami’s role as a stepmother. My granddaughter loves Sami very much and they never had a problem. At 5, Taylor is a very loving and affectionate little girl. She loves to dress up and to get dirty in the mud. Taylor loves to hang around Sami and Sami loves to be with Taylor

When my son, Sebastien told his daughter that he had asked Sami to marry him, Taylor looked at her dad and said nice, gave them a hug and went to play. She didn’t make a big fuss or lots of comments. She said that was nice and played. We left it at that. We had a great dinner, Sebastien played bingo with Sami and Taylor and then he put Taylor to bed (they come over every Tuesday night for dinner and a sleepover).

As I was working in my office, I heard Taylor getting up and walking around. I went to check up on her and to tuck her back in bed. I sensed that there was something bothering her (mothers have that 6th sense). I asked her what she thought about her daddy getting married to Sami. I was not expecting this answer and yet I should have.

Taylor told me that now her mom and dad will never get back together-ever (they actually lived together up to the first year of Taylor’s life and then each went their separate ways-it wasn’t working). Taylor then said that she wanted to be a regular family like all her friends in school and that now that would never happen. She also said that her mommy was going to be mad at daddy and that she wouldn’t be able to come “live” with him ever (This one I wasn’t sure what she meant by living with him as Taylor sees her dad on Tuesdays and every other weekend).

Taylor then explained to me that Sami could never be her mommy because she already had a mommy and couldn’t have another one. Poor Taylor, I could see in her eyes how much she had been thinking about this and was lying awake in her bed wondering about all of this. So this is what my answer to her was.

I explained that probably half of all her friends at school lived in exactly the same kind of family she did. I told her that she had two homes and a lot of extra people who loved her. I also said that although Sami would never be her real mom, she would be her stepmom. Taylor wasn’t sure what a stepmom was, so I explained to her that Sami would be a bonus mom. Taylor’s eyes lit up and she was visibly relieved and happy to learn she didn’t need to choose. Then she asked me what was a bonus mom. I explained to Taylor that it was exactly like Grandmere, someone who is there to help mommy take care of her children while they are staying with their daddies. I told Taylor that’s what I was to aunt Julie and aunt Stephanie-a bonus mom.

Well what came next was a little funny. She sat up in bed and looked at me and said: “Wait a minute! You are not aunt Julie and aunt Stephanie’s real mom? Who is it then?” I had to smile. For a little 5 year old girl, who saw me every week as the mom of everyone in the house and as her grandmother, she couldn’t believe that I was not the mom of her aunts. It was funny. I explained to her that the girls had their mom who lived far away, just like her dad had a dad that lived far away. The funny thing is that she knew that her Dad had a stepdad and that his real biological father lived far away. It just never occurred to her that I wasn’t the real mom of Julie and Stephanie.

After our conversation, and her realization that she not only could continue to love her mom, she also had a bonus mom that she could continue to love just the same way she had before. The sense of threat and loss was taken care of and she slept soundly the rest of the night.

It’s amazing what we, as adults, take for granted when we leave and enter relationships. We move on with our lives but forget that the children don’t have the perspective and experience that we do and to think things through. A child's world is immediate and very black and white. It’s either "they love me or they don’t", "I can continue to be normal or I’m not", "I’m like everyone else or I’m not".

I learned an important lesson from my granddaughter that night. Although she loves her dad’s fiancé, until there was a possibility that her mom and dad could be together, Sami was fun to be with. Sami was not a threat to the imaginary dream that Taylor had in her head. I realize that in Taylor’s world, everything revolves around the traditional family, the books she gets from school, the TV programs she watches, the conversations she hears. The word stepfamily is still not used in a way that honors everyone in the family. I call myself the stepmom as a way to honor the girls with the acknowledgement of their mother, to let them know I am not in competition for their love and affection. There is plenty to go around and I am a part of their lives, not a replacement for their mother.

The role of a stepmother is to be a support system for the husband and his children, to be a mentor and a role model. A stepmother is also someone who enforces the boundaries, just like a school teacher would do with your child if they did something inappropriate in school. A stepmom is someone the kids can come to when they are sad or when they are happy. She is there as a bonus mom, to love those kids too.

My goal is to be the person that my future daughter-in-law can count on to ask for help and support when she will feel confused about what her role is in this family. I want to be the person that will be there for when my granddaughter feels unsure of what is normal and what is not. I want to be there for my son when he will be frustrated with not knowing how to deal with all these stepfamily issues.

I don’t have all the answers but one thing I do have is patience and time to listen to my kids, to be there for them and to support them in their decisions. I believe we learn through living. I am very happy to have Sami in our family and I know she will be a great mom and stepmom. Congratulations Sebastien and Sami. And congratulations to you Taylor on having a bonus mom.