Claudette's Blog

I watched the Dr. Phil show yesterday and although I didn't get the title of the show, I was glad to see two different scenarios in stepfamily dynamics. Not everyone will become buddy-buddy with their husband's ex but we really don't need to be the enemy either. We don’t have enough shows helping stepfamilies setting new standards of conduct. We are still trapped in the old ways of doing things when it comes to families. We believe that the way it’s always been in creating families is the right way.

I sometimes see intact or nuclear families still cringe when I talk about being in a stepfamily. They still see us as second best. To that I say, no way. I would have been really glad had I died to know that my son had another woman loving and caring for him. Of course if this would have happen while he was little and I was still around, I’m sure I would have been jealous too. It’s a really tough place to be in.

One thing that the show did point out and I think is a major Key Point here is that there is a lot of unfinished business between the exs. A lot of times, that is what is making the stepmom's life miserable more often than not, and the kids as well. That and what Jennifer said about feelings of jealousy and insecurity, on not being a good mom or of being replaced. As women and moms, the role of motherhood is sacred and we don’t relinquish it very easily or willingly. Knowing that we might share this role that many girls are groomed very early to become on day is close to unthinkable if not blasphemy.

My husband's ex has just remarried after being single for 21 years and I really feel for her now as a brand new stepmom. She got married this past weekend and her three grown stepdaughters never showed up for the wedding. Their mother died several years ago and I guess they are still grieving, at least in part. Their No-Show is a clear indication that they are not accepting her in their father’s life, let alone playing the role of a stepmother, no matter how old they are. My husband’s ex is facing challenges that will be harder than what I went through because she is "fighting" against a ghost, an image. A deceased parent can do no harm.

When you really put the children's interest first, as Carol and Jennifer said, you really think twice about how you talk about the other parent. Every single time that you say something nasty and mean about the other parent whether it be the stepmom or the biological mom (or fathers), you are tearing up little pieces of that child. If there is one thing I do regret in my life is my immature way of handling the girls’ mom when I first got involved with my husband. My husband admitted to me recently (after almost 20 years) that he had no clue what I was going through and that he was really sorry for not being more supportive of me.

I hope that when you watch the show, you think about how you can make some changes in your relationship with the ex and the kids. It doesn't need to be really big. Jennifer started out be sending a Mother's Day card (I actually thought that was HUGE myself). Send a holiday card and wish them good health and happiness in the coming year. Help the kids make something for their parent. Just don't ignore them. Someone's got to make the first move, why not you? Your kids will thank you for it and love you more eventually.